JOURNEY 2013

"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies." 
-Psalm 36:5

2013. How do I even begin to describe you? It's funny because this is by far the craziest year that I have ever been in my entire life. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions, hats off, 2013 wins that for me. I guess to sum everything up in one word, 2013 has been extremely OVERWHELMING. There were so many things that happened in my life this year that this might be my longest blog to date. My goodness, this year was most definitely a journey for me, was it wonderful, at times, was it difficult, again, at times. Was 2013 memorable, oh, YES.

This year was really full of surprises for me. To start things off, God brought me back to school after stopping for almost three years, and Yayy! I'm finally going to get my diploma on May 2014! Woohoooo! This was such a wonderful surprise for me, I wasn't expecting it, I was hopeful and I stood by the measure of faith that God has blessed me with that one day, I will be wearing my school uniform again, and tadaaaa, It did. I remembered my first day back in my beloved school, as I was walking in, I was so overwhelmed with emotions that I think, I had tears in my eyes as my feet continuously brought me closer to the gates, lanai, the main entrance and I could see the guards, one guard even said "Kilala kita, diba graduate ka na?" and of course I responded, "Ggraduate na po" and smiled. I remembered my voice breaking as the words 'ggraduate na po" came out of my mouth. It was a living and breathing fact that months from that moment, I will be having my diploma in my hands, and I will be having my last graduation picture and hang it on the wall. Yayyy! Right now, I'm a third grade practicumer--and I am loving every moment of it. One student asked me:
"Ms. Koko, why are you always helping out Ms.________?"

I answered: "Because she's my mentor"

Student: "What's a mentor?"

Me: "She's helping and guiding me in becoming a great teacher"

Student: "Really? you're gonna be a teacher? here? do you know what section you'll get???!?!"

Me: "I'm not sure yet, why? do you want me to choose ____?"

Student:  "Yes! please choose ______. I want you to be our teacher next year!"

That was such a sweet and wonderful student-teacher encounter right there!! God is indeed super faithful! I finally got my chance to take my grad pic! hey, that is BIG deal for me, before I stopped, I just asked for grad pictures of my classmates/batchmates but this time, I've got my own and in a few months, my own diploma and I can finally call myself a college graduate! I'm getting my diploma! Yeahhh baby!! :D

Going back to school was definitely, I'll say it again, overwhelming. It's weird for me to hear my classmates calling me "Ate" (though most of them said that I didn't look older than them in which they were really shocked when I tell them that I'm 23 years old :) Great genes! yess! haha!) I got a chance to be taught be amazingly brilliant professors; Ms. Leonardia, Ms. Oblena, Sir Galvez and Ms. Colendrino.

Ms.Oblena, you have no idea how much I want to write and how being a writer has always been my childhood dream. I really want to write a book one day. Being in your class has been such a joy and I honestly enjoyed every moment in your class. Thank you for assigning/requiring us to watch a musical play. I am such a theater geek but I rarely get the chance to watch a live play because for some reason, I didn't find the need for me to watch plays, weird,right? One of the downfalls of the internet, I guess. But when I went to PETA, I realized how much I missed watching plays. Live PLAYS. You've fired me up for plays again! Thank YOU! Plus, I've gotten a step closer in learning more about myself and what kind of writer I want to be through the different writing activities in the classroom! You've unleashed a certain level of creative thinking in me. Thank You Ms.Oblena!

Sir Galvez, for all the trivias and fun facts that you have always laid out in class, for making me realize that I am actually interested in Chemistry and I truly had a blast learning about the various gases in different planets. I will never forget the Nat Geo video: A journey to the end of the universe. It sparked my fascination with the stars and how it made me consider that we, humans might be stardust. Thank you for sharing facts about the month of "February" that it originally was the month that had the most number of days in a year before people got too barbaric that it had to be divided and thus making it the shortest month. I really never looked at the shape of a heart the same way ever again, I used to find the heart shape cute, but because of your fun trivia about it, it has been my hated shape now. :) Thank you for deepening my understanding in how a teacher should be, that a teacher's knowledge should not be limited in the pages of the books. It has really inspired me in becoming a better teacher to my future students.

 My mind was really stretched in Ms.Leonardia's class! I have to say, I loooove reading, I loooove literature but whenever I was in her class, I really realized how much I still needed to learn. I felt like I was a first grader learning how to read for the first time! I have to say, after my class with her, I have never looked at a piece of literature the same way again, I learned how to distinguish good and bad writing, a writer's style and consistency with the character and the story. I've learned so much from her, though she was strict, definitely, but I enjoyed every single moment in her class, I was shattered, crushed and rebuilt and molded in her class. So, Ms.Leonardia, Thank YOU! It must be said, and I don't mean to disrespect any of my passed English teachers; but for me, Ms.Leonardia, You are the BEST ENGLISH TEACHER THAT I HAVE EVER MET. I am extremely grateful that I have been given the chance, honor and privilege to have been called your student. Thank you for all the writings, the thoughts, ideas, styles and for developing my eye for reading and writing. You've stretched my mind sooo much that I actually feel like I am more keen in critiquing and reading literature. My sisters are actually telling me that I look into things too much whenever we watch a movie or when I tell them about a book I'm reading or a song that I'm singing. Thank you for teaching me the right and proper way to appreciate literature. And if ever you get the chance to read this, I really hope that you would not find any grammar glitches. Thank YOU, Ms.Leonardia! :)

and of course, my Mama. Ms.Abel Colendrino. Where do I begin to thank you? Since our first encounter a few years ago, I always had the feeling that you will be one of the people who will always be a part of my heart and a part of who I am. Thank YOU for everything, Mama and for giving me the honor of calling you my Mama. I've never felt this type of connection to someone (other than my family of course). Thank YOU for teaching me how to laugh at myself, love myself and accept myself. Thank you for all the wonderful learnings both inside and outside the classroom, for always encouraging us to accept our students for who they are, for giving me a deeper understanding on how communicate with students, on how to make an impact, for teaching me how to forgive, to love, to respect and to accept. The values that I've learned from you are truly a mark of one GREAT and WONDERFUL teacher and person. Thank YOU making your classroom a safe place to learn and discover things about ourselves. The things that you have taught us, or taught me are the things that I will truly carry to my grave, these are the things that are not contained inside the classroom. Thank you for teaching me and for showing me the type of teacher that I want to be. I can only hope and pray that I could make even half the impact that you have made in my life to my future students. Thank YOU for being my second mother and for making your classroom my home away from my own home. You are truly a BLESSING Ms.Abel. Thank YOU for everything! (Sayang lang, cause wala tayong picture together! :( soon!)
    Thank YOU dear teachers! Cheers to you! I know that your 2014 will be AWESOME! Keep being a blessing to your students. Thank YOU for being a part of my 2013 :)

I also had two life changing experiences during my first semester back in college. It was when I was given the wonderful privilege to visit a rehab center and meet the most transparent and honest people ever. These are the people in the community of SELF. It was an amazing experience to interact with them speak with them and get to know people without any pretentions or hidden agendas. They all were so blunt and honest. They of course, just like all of us had their own stories to share, and the fact that they could be transparent enough to share how they dealt with the want to change, how they faced their issues, how they chose to move on and not dwell on the past is truly something extremely inspiring. I was honored and blessed to meet them all. These men and women are amazing and I do admire their bravery, boldness and transparency. Wow. Of course, we weren't allowed to take pictures but my goodness, I was really blessed, corrected and humbled by the experience.

Also, I'd like you to meet Gavin, he's my student. He is a five year old kid with autism. My calling for children has never been so clear because of this encounter. I don't know if I'm just a softie but the more time I spent with Gavin, the more I wanted everyone to see him for who he is as a person and  not as a case or diagnosis or condition. It really pains me to my core that when people hear that a person has special needs, they'd jump to the conclusion or to a point, forget that they are people, that children are people. They start seeing these children as cases that need to be studied. The truth is, all they need is love and to be accepted.

For instance, if a person does not know how to carry a tune or has two left feet when it comes to the dance floor, do we see them as case studies or a diagnosis? Of course not! We still accept and see them as people, and that is the exact same thing that we should do when we meet people who has special needs, they are people, just like us. People with a certain level of limitation, just like us. We have our limitations,

and we accept that as a fact, then why can't we accept these kids as they are? Instead of dealing with Gavin like a case study, I interacted with him in the same way that I always do with every single person I meet--with love. As long as we just LOVE each other, everything will work out. Gavin could not speak, he was diagnosed as a non-verbal autistic child, but I wanted to prove the diagnosis wrong, I interacted with him, I loved him, and I still do.  

We played, we ran, we laughed, we fought at times--and with everything that we've done together, I made it a point to do everything with love. At one point, he actually spoke to me, he repeated the words, yellow, blue, pink, go, out, he held my hand, he looked me in the eye. I'd like to believe that he knew and he felt that I love him. And I do, in fact, when it was time for me to say goodbye, I couldn't nor could he. I remembered our last encounter, he looked at me through the doors and even if it hurt me, I waved goodbye. I am just humbled by the leading of the Holy Spirit during the period of time that I spent with Gavin, I know that it was only Divine Intervention that reminded me that all I needed to do was LOVE Gavin. Point is, Let's just remember JESUS' command, LOVE ONE ANOTHER. That's all there is to it and with that principle and value, we can never go wrong. Of course, I also couldn't post pictures :)

Another highlight of my 2013 is my BREAKING FREE journey. This too wasn't easy. In fact, it was also a whirlwind of emotions! I just feel so BLESSED to be able to go through this journey with the most AWESOME group of women ever! This was an crushing and eye-opening journey and I could not have been placed with the most awesome women. I've learned so much from these beautiful and wonderful women of God through this journey. Week after week, there is a deeper level of intimacy involved. There is a deeper understanding of the things that we think we know, understand and grasp. In this book review I was able to not only learn things about myself, how God looks at me despite my short comings and imperfections. There are a lot. I've realized that I had a lot of baggage that I was not even aware of. The level of humility and transparency that God taught me through this book was truly amazing because these are the things that we are not aware of. It was like repentance 5.0. It was amazing. I've also learned and embraced my true identity in Christ. Breaking Free from the chains of sin and captivity. I also realized the gravity of plunder through this book, through the words breathed by God in this book. My goodness, I do not know that there were so much of myself that satan has stolen from me. Really, it was such a journey and I am so thankful that I've got to go through this with these lovely ladies!

 If you haven't gone through this yet, I highly recommend that you do. Gather your best girlfriends and get to know each other deeper. For real, we cry every week. Not out of vanity but this book is so God-breathed that when you think that you don't have any more tears to shed, there's an unexpected river of tears that would be unleashed unexpectedly. It's awesome. It isn't easy, but it is so worth it. I have to say, I've gotten so much closer with God and myself because of this journey. Breaking Free by Beth Moore is such a meaty material. It's challenging but again it is so worth it! The kind of learnings, breath-throughs and revelations that we all gained after this book review are truly irreplaceable!

   Me and my family also received one of the biggest and brightest news ever, Last August, My Mom was declared ON REMISSION. In "normal" words, that means, she KICKED CANCER's Butt! It was such a vast and wonderful journey. I've never been this proud of my Mom. The strength of God is definitely seen and felt in her. During the chemo process, Mom always said that "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you" It was a poem that she read which helped get her by. I am so blessed that God has blessed my Mom with circumstances that stretched her faith and deepened her relationship with God. He has graced her with so much love and strength throughout everything. For me, she is just one of the living testimonies of God's love, strength and mercy. This was such an adventure for my Mom, actually for the whole family, she has always been our rock, at least for me, she has always been my rock. and now, because of God's grace, she is now a cancer survivor! Yeah! It feels sooo good to say that! My Mom is a cancer survivor!

and tadaaa, as you can see, her hair is growing! and it is straight!!! My Mom's hair is a big deal for me, aside from it being a woman's crowning glory, My Mom's hair is really beautiful! As in raven black, straight perfect hair! And it's now growing! Yayyy! Talk about God's grace, right? Allow me to gloat, I'ma  proud daughter! :) 

   Of course, after being set free from all forms of plunder, the real challenge and battle came after. You know, in any situation, once you have the proper battle gear, you'd think that you are all set for battle, but no.Roughly, a month after, challenges, trials came to somehow ruin, damage and break my freedom from captivity. False accusations and persecutions were thrown to me and my family. My family means the world to me, and sadly, because satan is so desperate to take down every child and warrior of God, the enemy somehow chose to target the one thing that makes me vulnerable. My family. Family relationships were targeted by satan, but by the grace of GOD, through and by HIS strength alone, we are and will always be TooLegit to Quit. Last August, my Granny, who has always been a part of my life began to somehow evaporate. She would forget where she was, it was like, in my eyes, post-traumatic stress disorder because of certain unfortunate circumstances caused by certain people who are no longer part of my life. These challenges and trials actually brought me and my family closer, and Granny has always been part of my life and she has always been this blanket of love that would hold us all together, and now, she has been called back home to Heaven last November. It was weird because she just celebrated her 90th birthday! Isn't that great! 90 years of God's glory! It wasn't an easy season for me, not at all.

In my 23 years of existing here on earth, never for a second did I think that my Granny will miss a single day of my life, she has always been there. Last Christmas was when it all dawned on me that she's really gone, that she has gone home. Permanently. I remember the first day from the cremation, we were bringing her urn in her room, I was about to enter her room, and in that short hallway going to her room, I normally would see her feet dangling the foot of the bed, but at that time, it wasn't. --and I'll never see that again. ever. In the Philippines, we're big when it comes to celebrating Christmas Eve. I'm a boring person and a nerd, I normally would stay up till around 2:00 in the morning while the rest of my relatives would sleep at around 6 or 7am. I'd come in to Granny's room, she'd normally be sleeping at that time, I'd curl up beside her, and she'd extend her arms while I'd reach for her hand. We'd hold hands, her lovely perfect and soft hands and fall asleep. Then, every Christmas Morning, I'd wake up at around 9am and she'd normally had her coffee already but would ask if I'd like to have breakfast, she'd have her bread and queso de bola while I have bread and ham. Every Christmas Morning. It was like an unspoken tradition for both of us. This Christmas, I still slept in her room, though I stayed up will 7am before cozying up in her room and bed, but when I woke up, she wasn't there anymore. And she won't be. She's home. It's funny because the one place where I call my home here on earth isn't complete anymore. Granny isn't there. Had I known that Christmas 2012 would be the very last Christmas I'd spend with her, then I'd would not have gotten out of bed at all. Had I known. One of the most heartbreaking things of her leaving too soon is that, she didn't see me graduate. She didn't seem me become successful; She has always been the only one who would patiently listen to my crazy facts about a new celebrity, song, movie or  musical that I'm currently obsessed with, she was the one who I would talk to about my celebrity crushes without hearing any tease or sarcastic comment, she was the one who I'd always sing for whenever I learn a new song. She would listen and applaud and tell me that I sing beautifully even if I know that I don't. Granny has always been my confidence and my genuine support system, she was the one who always genuinely wanted to watch me on stage and support me not because she is a member of my family but because she genuinely wants to. She was the one who I said I wanted to be in the front row whenever I get the guts to try out theater at one point in my life. She was the one who has always been so supportive about and throughtout everything. If ever I do all the things that I told her I'll do, she won't be there to see it anymore. It still hurts me, it still gets to me, as I write this portion dedicated to her, I'm in the verge of tears, in fact, if my sister wasn't sleeping beside me, I'd probably cry, but I can't because I don't want her to see. Granny lived a great life, come on, 90 years!?!?!? 90years of love and laughter. Now, even if she won't get to see me do the things I want to do and live my dreams, I know she is still with me. As long as I have my memories, I have her. I don't think I will ever forget her, I won't. She is and will always be a part of me. The things that God has planned for me, the things that I will be doing in the future, the life that I will live, my dreams that, by the grace of GOD will soon become reality, I will always remember her. I will never forget my Granny. At each moment of my success, it is equivalent to a fulfillment of my promise to Granny. Of the significant people in my life, it is Granny who truly knows every single dream of mine. And Granny, by God's grace, I will make it. You will be proud of me. I love you and I miss you. You will be proud of all of us. I'll make sure of it. I'll make you proud of me. You will be smiling down from Heaven :) and I know that as I achieve my goals and dreams one by one, by God's grace and power of course, you will be cheering with me, you will be praising God with me. Together Granny. I love you Granny. Very Much.

On a lighter note, I'm also thankful for #FirstDateTheMusical. It is this brand new musical that stars the very talented Zachary Levi and Krysta Rodriguez.

This is actually the musical that I am currently obsessing on! It began running last August 8,2013. Because I live here in the Philippines, I won't get a chance to see it because it's unfortunately ending on the 5th of January 2014 :( It's sad. I know that this is completely out of context but this is the sort of thing that I'd normally tell Granny, and she'd listen :) but yeah, the songs are amaaazzzinnng! of course I know my favorite songs from this musical by heart. It's really interesting, it is about two completely different people who go on a blind date which of course at the end of the date, be into each other, you've gotta have a happy ending, right? But the think that really ignited my interest is the baggage that people carry on every first date. I mean, that is definitely something, right? The songs are amazing, I'm a lyricist and I have to say, I love how the lyrics of the songs were cleverly injected in the music, it was brilliant. I love comedies because it tackles serious issues on a lighter take, though, it isn't really light, I mean, humor makes everything better. The soul reason of comedies is to give its audience an epiphany--and that is why I LOVE comedies! Ugh, I wanna see this musical sooo bad! So, for those who are in the States, please go see First Date! It's on Broadway's Longacre Theatre!! Check it out! Plus, the very talented, my forever crush Zachary Levi is starring in it, how on earth can you lose? :D No Regrets. Promise!

Since, I never got a chance to see #FirstDateTheMusical live, I took it upon myself to learn the songs, and gather up the courage to actually do a cover of the heart-wrecking #Safer by Krysta Rodriguez, don't expect too much, because I'm no singer and definitely am NOT Krysta Rodriguez, I just did this out of boredom and because I like the song, as heart shattering it may be, I like the rawness of the lyrics. So, here it goes, Safer, if you've got time, listen to it, but again, don't expect too much :D It was done out of my frustration of not getting to see the musical live. Plus, if Granny was still with me, she would be the first one who would hear me sing this, cause that's what I do, I sing the new songs I learn to her and only her.

https://soundcloud.com/kollenerae/first-date-the-musical-safer

  The reason why I actually included #FirstDate in this post is because it helped me cope. It kept me distracted from hardcore depression. I am an overthinker or an over-analyzer. It is both a joy and a burden because I tend to dwell on things and ask why why why. I need something to distract me, so that I could cope and deal with things. First Date:the musical helped me cope. The humor injected in the songs made me laugh, cry and think. It maybe out of context for the readers, though I doubt that people would read this cause it is so long, but this is significant for me because it was a distraction, it made me think about things, that everyone really has a story, no matter who you are or what you have been through, or how insignificant you think you may be, you always have a story to share. Ultimately, our goal is simple. Love. Love a person, a job, a play, a movie, a musical instrument, love a song, a celebrity, a book, a movie. just Love. Because love makes the most senseless things make sense. The reason why I was able to cope through this is because I loved the actors in it, I loved the songs, I loved the music and I love the play. Well, it may be a form of bias cause I've loved Zachary Levi since his rendition of Proud Mary in Less Than Perfect, but there's still love there. Plus, His passion, heart, soul and spirit is truly inspiring. A proud man of GOD. That is the one thing that really make him stand out from everyone else. He reflects the glory of God in his life and in his actions. He has such a beautiful heart and soul.

Life is really funny. God has the best sense of humor, and sometimes, well, most of the time, HE is the only one who gets it, but at the end the joke would land and we'd go.. "I got it! good one!" This is sorta almost like that, Unno came! Unno is my first nephew :) Such a handsome little fella!
 A baby is always a wonderful and such a sweet blessing. He brings so much joy, though he came unexpectedly, well, a month earlier than expected but still, God's overflowing grace is truly undeniable! He's premature but he grows sooo fast! he's actually quite long for one month which means that he's tall!! He is such a sweetheart and I know that he will be a great guy when he grows up. I am really one fortunate lady to have this guy as my first nephew! I know that he is going to be a responsible man of God! We're all super stoked to have him, he's like this candy that every one is going crazy for. He's our shiny new toy and surprisingly, whenever I sing to him, he sleeps, peacefully. My voice is sort of like a lullaby for him which is really shocking because I never thought that it would ever have that kind of an impact to someone, let alone a baby! but it works and he falls asleep and I am loving every moment of being an AWESOME aunt to Unno-Bub! I am very proud to call myself an aunt now, as in official aunt, by blood! I could not be more stoked for this! Unno was like a breath of fresh air when he came, a little angel, when I saw him, I tweeted this before, but babies are really like a living testament of the existence of Heaven, there is absolutely no way that Heaven does not exist. A baby's laughter, presence, smile, even scent is something that cannot be fully described nor summed up in one word! I love this boy to bits and I know that he is going to be one of the most loved man ever!

  Aside from Unno, we also welcomed another member of our family. My long lost cousin, Joshua:

    To wrap up, yes, 2013 was definitely not one of my best years, but  it doesn't matter because even through the storms that I've been through, look at the wonderful things that has happened in my 2013??? It was awesome! THANK YOU JESUS FOR 2013! It was an adventure.... so I actually do not know what God plans for my 2014 but I know that at the end of everything, it is GOD that will always and forever be glorified! I mean, if I put my full trust, my everything to God, how on earth could I go wrong? Sure, last year had a few hiccups, but that doesn't mean that the past has to affect my future. I remember one of the songs in First Date that goes . . . ♪All I know is in this moment, my past is just my past♬ ♪ which is actually true, our past is just the past, we can't correct whatever has been done, but we can change our future. Friends, life is all about perspective, and as cliche as that sounds, it is true. Choose to believe. Choose to trust and Choose to be in FAITH! Why do we even have to worry, when we know that the GOD of ALL CREATION is in control? So, come on, cheer up and join me in welcoming 2014! Yeah!! Happy New Year Everyone! BE IN FAITH! Stay BLESSED!

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire."

—Hebrews 12:28-29